An Absent Minded Professor
A notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement．
A pupil meeting him said：
“Good evening，professor．How are you？
“Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me．I've been limping for the last half hour．”
心不在焉的老师
有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。
一个碰见他的学生说：
“晚安，老师。您怎么了？”
“啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。”
Our Tails
The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours．Then he started again，and said he：“Let me ask the evolutionist a question—if we had tails like a baboon，where are they？”
“I'll venture an answer，” said an old lady．“We have worn them off sitting here so long．”
我们的尾巴
教进化论的老师已经滔滔不绝地讲了快两个小时，他的话题又来了：“让我向进化论者提个问题——如果我们曾经像狒狒那样长着尾巴，那么现在尾巴到哪里去了？”
“我来试试看，”一位老太太说。“该是我们在这里坐这么久把它们磨掉了吧。”
Difference
"If you tell a man anything, it goes in at one ear and out at the other." she remarked.
"And if you tell a woman anything," he countered, "it goes in at both ears and out of her mouth."
女人说：“你告诉男人一件事，他一个耳朵进，一个耳朵出。”
男人回敬说：“你告诉女人一件事，她两个耳朵进，再从嘴巴里出。”
These Are My Jeans
After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herself----especially when she was able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago．
“Look，look．” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband．“I can wear my old jeans again．”
Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but these are my jeans．”
一个妇女在减肥一段时间后自我感觉特别好——特别是当她又能穿上很早以前就穿不上的牛仔裤时。她跑下楼冲她丈夫喊道：“快看，快看。我又能穿上以前的裤子了。”她丈夫看了她好一会儿，然后说：“亲爱的，我爱你。但那是我的裤子。”
百万富翁
CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."
Assistant: "What were you before?"
CEO: "A multimillionaire."
百万富翁
首席执行官：我妻子使我成了一个百万富翁。
助手： 以前你是什么？
首席执行官：千万富翁。
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What's time to a pig?
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, to see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer, " I see that your pig likes apples, but isn't that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied, " What's time to a pig?"
一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"
I Don't Know Her
A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing. "Why don't you do that?" said the wife. "Honey," replied her husband, " I don't even know that woman!"
我还不认识她
一对夫妇在公园里散步，发现一对年轻的男女坐在一条长凳上动情地接吻。 "你为什么不那样做呢？"妻子说。 "亲爱的，"她的丈夫回答说，"我还不认识那个女子呢。"
Who Should Be Given the Gift?
A father of five children came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present. "Who is the most obedient, never talks back to Mother and does everything he or she is told?" he inquired.
There was silence,and then a chorus of voices:"You play with it, Daddy!"
礼物该给谁？
一位有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集起来问这件礼物该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。
大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩吧。”
I am sorry.
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，
忙说：I am sorry.
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
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Some selected humours
1) The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn. 学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多；忘记的越多, 忘记的越多；知道的越少, 为什么学来着?!
2) "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.
3) The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise.
聪明人都是未婚的,结婚的人很难再聪明起来.
4) Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
每个成功男人的背后都有一个女人，每个不成功男人的背后都有两个女人。
The Advantage of Wearing Glasses
Helen's eyes were not very good, so she usually wore glasses, but when she was nineteen and began to go out with a young man, she never wore glasses when she was with him. When he came to the door to take her out, she would take her glasses off, and when she got back home again and he left, she would put them on.
One day her mother asked her: "But Helen, why do you never wear glasses when you are with Jim? He takes you to such lovely places in his car, but you can't see anything. "
"Well, mother," said Helen. " I look prettier to Jim when I'm not wearing my glasses and he looks better to me, too."
戴眼镜的好处
海伦的视力不太好，所以他常戴眼镜。她十九岁时开始和一个男青年交朋友。当和男朋友在一起时海伦从不戴眼镜。每当男朋友到门口接她外出的时候，她就摘下眼镜；回到家里，男朋友走了以后，海伦才戴上眼镜。
有一天妈妈问她：“海伦，你和吉姆在一起时为什么从不戴眼镜？他开车带你去优美的地方玩儿，可你什么也看不见。”
海伦说：“嗯，妈妈，我不戴眼镜时吉姆看着我更漂亮些，同时我也觉得他显得更顺眼一些。”
A Trip to Disney
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
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