人尽其才
A little boy bustled into a grocery one day with a memorandum in his hand.
一天，一个小男孩匆匆忙忙地走进了一家杂货店，手里拿着一张清单。
"Hello, Mr. Smith," He said. "I want thirteen pounds of coffee at 32 cents."
“史密斯先生，你好，”他说道，“三毛二分钱一磅的咖啡，请给我十三磅。”
"Very good," said the grocer, and he noted down the sale.
“好的，”杂货店老板马上把这笔生意记了下来。
"Anything else, Charlie?"
“还要别的什么不，查理？”
"Yes. Twenty-seven pounds of sugar at 9 cents."
“要的。再要二十七磅糖，九分钱一磅的。”
"The loaf, eh? And what else?
“面包要不要？还要什么？”
"Seven and a half pounds of bacon at 20 cents."
“七磅半咸肉，二毛钱一磅的。”
"That will be a good brand. Go on."
“这肉是名牌子呢。还有呢？”
"Five pounds of tea at 90 cents; eleven and a half quarts of molasses at 8 cents a pint; two eight-pound hams at 21 cents, and five dozen jars of pickled walnuts at 24 cents a jar."
“九毛钱一磅的茶叶，给我五磅；八分钱一品脱的糖浆要十一夸脱半；二毛一分钱一磅的大火腿要二只，二毛四分钱一罐的腌核桃要五打。”
The grocer made out the bill.
杂货店老板把帐单算了出来。
"It's a big order," he said. "Did your mother tell you to pay for it?"
“你买了很多东西，”他说，“你妈妈叫你现在把钱付清吗？”
"My mother," said the boy, as he pocketed the neat and accurate bill, "has nothing to do with this business. It is my arithmetic lesson and I had to get it done somehow."
小男孩一面把那清楚准确的帐单放进口袋一面说，“这和我妈没关系，这是我自己的算术作业，我总得想办法把它做出来！
Two Friends
Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. During their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of John's voice from beyond.
"John, is that you?" Dave asked.
"Yes, it's me," John replied.
"This is unbelievable" Dave exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven."
"Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?"
"You're coming tomorrow night."
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两个好友
约翰和大卫这两个好朋友是超级棒球迷。他们谈论棒球谈论了一生。他们每年都要去看60场比赛。他们甚至约定无论谁先死都要尽力回来告诉另一个天堂里是否有棒球。
一天晚上，约翰在看完杨基队获胜后在睡梦中走了。几个晚上后，他的好友大卫被他从上而来的声音惊醒。
“约翰，是你吗？”大卫问。
“是我。”约翰回答。
“真难以置信，”大卫叫道：“告诉我，天堂是否有棒球？”
“我有好的和坏的两个消息要告诉你，先听哪个？”
“先说好的吧。”
“天堂里真的有棒球。”
“哦，太好了，那么坏的呢？”
“你明晚也要到天堂来了。”
Three women swam
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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三人游泳
一个黑人，一个红发人和一个白人被困于一个岛上。黑人从水面上望向大陆，估计到岸有20英里左右。所以她说："我要游到对岸试试看。"结果她游了5英里就觉得很累，游出10英里后再也游不动了，便淹死了。
第二个人，那红发者对自己说："我怀疑她有没有到，我猜试着到对岸总比呆在这儿等饿死好。"所以她也下水了。红发人的耐力比黑人好得多，她游了10英里才感到累，但15英里后，她也精疲力竭，沉了下去。
白人想："真怀疑她们到了吗！我也试试吧。"所以她游了出去，5英里，10英里,15英里，19英里。大陆就在眼前了，她却说："我没力气再向前了！"然后她游了回去。
I Didn't See the Ditch
Mike: How did you manage to crash your car?
Jack: You see the ditch over there?
Mike: Oh, yes.
Jack: Well, I didn't.
我没看见水沟
迈克：你是怎么把你的汽车撞坏的？
杰克：你看见那边那条水沟了吗？
迈克：哦，看见了。
杰克：咳，我当时可没看见。
Bring Me The Winner
Once, a fellow went into a restaurant and ordered a two-pound lobster. "Waiter," he said when his meal was placed before him, "this lobster has only one claw." "I'm sorry, sir," the waiter replied. "but sometimes the lobsters fight in the tank." "In that case," the diner said, "bring me the winner."
我要赢者
一次，一位客人进入餐馆，他点了一只两磅重的龙虾。“服务员，”他指着端上来的龙虾说，“这只龙虾为什么只有一只爪？”“对不起，先生，”服务员回答说，“因为龙虾有时会在水槽里打架。”“噢，如果是这样的话，”顾客说，“请把打赢的那只给我拿来吧。”
To Go to Heaven
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven?… What about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up, don't you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can't, My mum told me to go straight home.
去天堂
主日学校的教员：想去天堂的人举起手来。……你呢，特里？你还没举手呢，特里，难道你不想去天堂吗？
特里：我去不了，因为妈妈让我一放学就回家。
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I Didn't Notice It
Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?
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